Perspective

I've started writing this post about 5 times in the past few weeks.  It's not been an easy one to come together.  We've lived here almost 18 months now.  We've come through a lot:  the kids enrolled in  school, we lived without a car for about 9 months, we bought a car, we traveled, we made phone calls in Portuguese, we fought, we made up, we had issues with neighbors, noise, and culture.  We have figured out how to deal with car issues.  We've had visitors.  We've moved.  We drove to the beach in a Fusca.  And we've more than survived--we've lived.  There were times when I wondered if I was going to make it (like when we got lost on the way to the beach), and times when we felt very alone.  But we've met some fascinating people, we've been able to take care of the things that need to get taken care of, and we've discovered things about ourselves that we never knew.

So now that the dust has settled, and now that we've more or less figured out how to live daily life (never without challenges of course), I've had some space to be able to ask questions.  What do I think about the quality of my children's education?  What are my friendships like?  What am I learning?  How am I growing spiritually and emotionally?  What do I like about this culture?  What don't I like?  These are good questions, but not always easy ones to answer.  I've been thinking about culture shock, and the stages of adapting.  I think that my "shock" has been cyclical, and even though we've in many ways adapted, the question that is weighing on my mind is, "how much more do I want to adapt?"  To be honest, it feels pretty lonely at times.  My Portuguese (or lack of) has seriously limited my ability form deeper relationships with Brazilians.  And I feel that if I really am to truly adapt and connect, I will need to form some closer ties to other Brazilians.  And as a working mother of 3 children, this is no easy task.  But we moved to Brazil, and that was no easy task (see this entire blog).  So it becomes a matter of will and desire.

I can't deny that there are days when I just want to escape this life, that I just want to move back.  But our jobs are here.  And jobs are harder to come by in the States right now.  But our families are there.  And I have no response that can truly compete with that one, especially in Brazil where families are so important.  But I'm understood there.  And I'm understood and supported here by the many, many expatriates and Brazilians who have lived elsewhere.  But literally, I'm understood there (in English).  And practicing my horrible Portuguese is helping my brain grow.  But, but, but.

So, what I've decided to do right now is to practice "being present."  I don't want to imagine another life elsewhere (that's what I was doing beforehand, and it ended me up here!).  I want to live in this moment.  I want to enjoy my children, even when they are fighting and all asking for my help all at the same time.  I want to laugh at work, when the children are not following directions and doing pelvic thrusts to "Zip-a-dee-do-dah" (true story).  I want to eat more mangoes.  I want to marvel at the Ipê trees.

I want to lift my eyes from the dirty, uneven sidewalks and drink in the blue sky.   I want to believe my friend who tells me that my kids will turn out okay because we read and we are educated and we talk to them and teach them, even though I am tempted to worry daily about the things that my children are NOT learning at school.  I want to recall the image I have of the crippled man walking on his hands down the street, singing at the top of his lungs.  That to me is Brazil.  It's the reality of being in a horrible situation, of having been totally screwed over by God, by the government, by the bank or by the shoe salesman, and yet still being able to sing.  It's realizing that you've been dealt a bad hand, and yet choosing to be thankful for life.  It's knowing that times are tough, but you can  still get together with friends and eat churrasco. 

I want to remember that this is a dream come true, that this is what I always said I wanted.  And I want to remember what my friend Abby said to me, "would you regret it if you didn't go?"

The answer was yes, and still is yes.